Musings on Navigating Life as the Biggest, Deepest, Most Emphatic Feeler Ever

Sometimes, I hurt. You know, little things, such as an off-the-cuff remark that I've misunderstood, embarrassment because I said the wrong thing, feeling left out, misunderstood, and generally feeling like a failure as a mom/wife/sister/friend. I'm not writing this looking for sympathy. I'm writing this to provide hope for all you other feely feelers out there.

What do I do when I feel these things? I get sad, mad, maybe a little depressed. Typically, I figure out that I need to sit down and journal my thoughts, also known as hugging it out with God. I try to process my feelings with loving, healthy individuals who understand me. I read my Bible. I listen to Nancy Leigh DeMoss (we're best friends actually, but she doesn't know it).

But sometimes I just want to run away and hide from all relationships, except mothering and wife-ing. I think that if I can avoid relationships, things won't get messy. If I didn't desire community or deep relationships, my life would be so much easier. If I could just stop FEELING so much then maybe I could get some peace. Maybe I could be okay.

About a month ago, I actually Googled the phrase, "how to change your personality" and then read Wikipedia's suggestions and considered applying the knowledge I'd acquired. But God made me who I am. I'm wired to love people. I'm wired to be loyal almost to a fault. I'm wired to desire more than surface relationships. I'm wired to want friends in my life, to have deep conversations, to feed all my people, and to open the door of my house to any non-dangerous humans. I'm also wired to feel another's pain so deeply. I'm wired to feel other's joys almost as if they are my own.

I remember the day my friend, Julie, found out she was expecting her little girl and called to tell me her news. I was so happy that I sat there, phone to my ear, speechless, with tears streaming down my face. I vividly remember seeing someone I've loved my whole life suffering under a great amount of hurt and I remember crying right alongside. And then crying for several nights afterward whenever this situation came to my mind.
It's good that I feel. For years, I've been so frustrated with this part of myself. But, I'm finally seeing that it's a good thing to feel deeply. The world needs feelers and lots of them. I often get hurt, but I know the Healer. He made me and He understands me.

The Lord has taught me so much through my deepest hurts. For the past two years, give or take a few months, I have consistently felt more hurt than I ever thought I would feel, from situations that I never dreamed would cause such pain. All this hurting has lead me straight past the self-loathing to Jesus. The path to self-loathing is so tempting. Sometimes, I wander down that path and have a moment of, "What the heck is wrong with me!?" But that path leads nowhere. I don't want my kids to ever see me on that path. (I feel the need to insert this truth here: There's a huge difference between taking responsibility for my actions and seeking to make things right if needed versus beating myself up over and over again for making mistakes.) But God continues to meet me right there, when I'm overwhelmed by guilt and shame. Right when I'm feeling like I do everything wrong and I am so messed up He ministers peace to me. He reminds me of His love for me. He reminds me that though my sins are as scarlet, He has made them white as snow. He reminds me that He has compassion for me. He reminds me that He loves me deeply. And, He reminds me that Jesus was a man of sorrows. He has felt pain far worse than I and there was nothing wrong with Him.

So, all you feelers out there, you are not alone. You are dearly loved. You are lovely. Feeling hurt does not mean you are, in some way, defective. We were made to feel.

How to Have Fun With Your People

Take the baby to the zoo for the first time ever. He will smile. You will smile. A lot. 

Take the twins and the baby to the flower and garden show. They will last maybe 45 minutes. Buy a really pretty bird feeder and get a burger on the way home. 

Let your kids join you occasionally during your quiet time...they are watching you. This girl's journal entry, "I love you God. So much. You are the sweetest."

Make a cape for the cutest four year old in your life. 

Last but not least, don't do the laundry. Pray that you will someday get caught up. Look forward to Summer when your family lives in bathing suits, sundresses, shorts, and flip flops.

Life Lately

My big boy taught himself how to eat with a spoon.


My babydad and I cleared out this little space and are prepping it to become a playhouse. Shhhh...don't tell the kids!


I made goat cheese biscuits for a neighborhood girlie dinner partay spear headed by my genius pal, Julie.



My babe discovered cheese dip while on a mommy and kids date with one of my faves. Obviously, he enjoyed it. :)


New baby monitor to replace broken one. Thx Craigslist. Love watching this boy.


All three kids did a week's worth of chores like a bunch of tiny rock stars! They spent their allowances on craft supplies. So fun!!!


The twins got to go with me to the eye doctor. Guess what they got to play with? Chopsticks! The only remotely fun things in my purse.






We got new windows! Our house is warmer, quieter and so much more pleasant.



My big boy was sick this week with tummy troubles. We got a redbox movie and snuggled up. He strongly recommended I stay off my phone during the movie. Point taken, son.


This baby continues to just wrap his daddy and I around his little finger. He smiles and laughs more than he ever has. He runs everywhere. He loves food. I'm so glad I get to be his mom.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bunk Bed Revamp

We were given a set of bunk beds by some very generous friends several months ago. I had my doubts about my very active twin girls sleeping on bunk beds, but the first couple months went just fine. Then, one of the girls got too close to the ceiling fan and cut her eyebrow. One trip the ER and five stitches later, we decided to move the bunk beds (we actually disassembled them for a time) as far away from the fan as possible. 

While the beds were disassembled, I spent a lot more time with the girls in the evenings lying on their beds, reading and talking. I'd hoped to continue this once their bunk beds were set up again, but it just wasn't comfortable and ended up not happening.

Enter home improvement idea number 489,000. I talked to my babydad and told him that we should convert the bunk beds into low, L-shaped loft beds. After a couple of months of hem-hawing around, we decided to take the plunge today. 

Bunk beds before:

My man cut the legs off the top bunk to make the bottom bunk you see below. 

Here's the headboard of the top bunk. JGB is measuring the headboard and getting ready to drill the holes for the hardware to make this the top bunk. 

And, the after pic. These girls are happy to have their new, lower beds. And, I am looking forward to many evenings spending time with my precious girls in their room. 

Ten Years in Pictures

My babydad and I just celebrated ten years of marriage. 

2003...Our Wedding Day...two clueless kids. 

I don't have a picture from 2004, our first anniversary. We were newly pregnant with our oldest child. 

Below is 2005. We were in Atlanta for a dear friend's wedding a few weeks before our anniversary. 

 Here we are in 2006. I'd worked so hard to get that baby weight off! And, I included the horrible home decor in the background just to keep it real. This was pre-Pinterest, people. :) 

 In this shot taken in 2007, I was 21 weeks pregnant with the twins. Notice the fussy 2 year old (my son!) loving on his Aunnie, my sister. 

Here we are in 2008, for our five year anniversary. We were on a quick getaway during this trip, but I don't remember where we were! The twins were still not sleeping through the night and we were so tired and so happy to be alone. 

Fun family shot in 2009. Look at those babies! So tiny! This was a super fun stage with the twins. This was when we first began the process to become foster/adoptive parents. 

2010...the beginning of twin toddlers. Heaven help me. I was so tired. 

Here we are in 2011, still in the throes of twin toddlers. You know, people are toddlers for a long time. This was just about 2 weeks before we received our first foster son. We were able to love on that little guy for six months before he moved on. It was a time unlike any other for our family. 

Our family in 2012 with our sweet baby boy just days after bringing him home. Have you ever seen such a serious and sad looking baby? We were so happy to have him, but it was a rough adjustment period for the little guy as he was grieving the loss of his foster mama and adjusting to life with us, his forever family. 

And, here we are now. We went out to celebrate our 10 year anniversary, but I didn't get a picture of us all gussied-up. We have a big trip planned in honor of our anniversary several months from now. 

Marriage is not easy, but God's grace is so rich. I had absolutely no idea what a good marriage would look like when we met. I just knew I wanted to marry a faithful, honest man who loved Jesus. That's who the Lord gave me and I am daily thankful for him. Here's to many, many more anniversaries. xoxoxo

Birchwood Park

One of my girlie-girls has been asking me all week to take her on a date. Today was date day and it was divine. We started at our favorite lunch spot, Terri Lynn's, sis got a BBQ beef sammie and Cheetos and I got a French dip. Sister wanted to take our lunch to Birchwood Park. This park is a hidden gem, truly. If you live in my city, go to Shackleford (kind of near Community Bakery), turn on Birchwood, when you get to Springwood, you should see where you can park just outside the park. We swang, ate our delicious lunch, talked, took a walk, looked at the creek and just generally enjoyed each other. And, we ended our date with a frosty. I love that little girl and I so loved having her all to myself today.








- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

First Month of School and 13 Month Old Baby Update

We are just about a month into the school year. The first four weeks have been such a learning experience. I really have been shocked at how hard homeschooling three kiddos and corralling an adorably busy toddler has been for me. I wish I could bring you all a post saying that it's going great and I never get impatient and that my kindergarteners are speaking latin fluently, doing long division, reading the Iliad and that my second grader has begun translating the bible for unreached people groups, tutoring high school students in trigonometry and playing Canon in D blindfolded on the baby grand in our dining room. As it is, we do not have a baby grand and my children are normal. I am relatively normal and we are still working out the kinks in our days at home which I assume will continue to be an ongoing process for some time. 

One of our favorite book series are the Amelia Bedelia books. One of the books we read in the series talked about Amelia Bedelia making caramel apples. So, we made caramel apples. They were divine. 

And, my baby. This kid. I don't deserve him! He's so sweet, so stinking cute and so squeezable. He's 13 months old now. Here are his latest moves: 

• walks, runs all the time and has been for months
• loves his straw sippy cup
• has just recently begun drinking and suckling on his bottle in a normal way. He has never been a good eater and has always struggled with his bottles until the last few weeks. 
• because he is finally really enjoying feeding time, we are continuing to give him 2-3 bottles a day for nourishment of the heart and the body. Sweet, sweet bonding time. 
• words: Gaaah!, mama, dada, bubba, aaaa oooo (thank you), now I know a couple of those aren't words, but whatever. I know what he means when he says them, which is pretty good. 
• favorite food: applesauce. also loves grapes, plain yogurt, sweet potatoes, avacado, red beans and rice, chicken and rice, and hates scrambled eggs and cottage cheese. 
• went to bible study with me this week and went to a group care setting for the first time since he's been in our home. When I waved good bye to him at the door, his eyes widened and filled with this little look of fear. I backed away slowly, thinking he would cry and I would rescue him. Fortunately, he was distracted by the other cute one year olds and did not cry at all. I walked down the hall to my class with tears in my eyes. 
• loves bath time. Gets so excited and in the bath tub that I bathe him in the sink so that he won't flop all over the place and flood the bathroom with his constant splashing. :) 
• is so loved. Justin and I cannot get enough of this kid. We both love watching him. Each child is a joy and a blessing. I had no idea that we'd ever have four kids, but I am so glad God had other plans.